Take two audits and call me in the morning
Accountants, especially of the auditor species,
are something like doctors, only poorer and with smaller cars. They
can diagnose budgetary ailments, prescribe methods to put you back
on your financial feet, even perform cost-cutting operations in
drastic cases.
It’s too bad an accounting specialist like Dr.
Owen Less wasn’t around in the early years of Ragsdale’s
administration. Things might have turned out differently. …
Mayor: Help
me, Dr. Less! My debt is growing as fast as my approval numbers are
shrinking!
Dr. Less:
Calm down, Herr Bürgermeister.
(Did we mention Dr. Less was German?) Let us look at der chart. Gott
in himmel!
Mayor: Bad?
Dr. Less: Vorst case I’ve seen! You
are to stop immediately vit der Smoothie Kings und der lobster
dinners! Come back in 60 days.
Mayor: Heil!
(60 days later)
Dr. Less:
Ach! Vat is dis? You are getting vorse, Herr Bürgermeister! Ve must operate.
Mayor:
Operate?
Dr. Less: Ja!
Dat controller must come out.
Mayor: You
mean…
Dr. Less: Ja,
a vernerectomy.
Mayor: A
wernerectomy?
Dr. Less:
Nein. A vernerectomy.
Mayor:
Wernerectomy.
Dr. Less:
Verner, Herr Bürgermeister,
verner.
Mayor: Werner.
Dr. Less: (sigh) Never mind.
Mayor: Doctor? Will there be
any aftereffects from the operation?
Dr. Less: You can never smoke
taxpayer cigars again. Now, please to lie down and shut up.
Mayor: Heil.
(several months later)
Mayor: Dr. Less! My approval
rate is still dropping!
Dr. Less: Such a horrible case
I have seen hardly ever! Ah, here is der problem! Your community
grants are horribly swollen. Soon they vill burst and go splat!
Mayor: Splat?
Dr. Less: Splat! Ve must
operate again.
Mayor: Surely you don’t mean …
Dr. Less: Ja, a finchotomy.
Mayor: A finchotomy?
Dr. Less: Right avay! Nurse?
Prepare for surgery!
Mayor: But, Dr. Less, if you
remove my finch I’ll lose support among minorities!
Dr. Less: Quickly, nurse!
Commence vit der anesthetic. Already der hallucinations have
started!
Mayor: (sigh) Heil.
(a few months go by)
Mayor: Dr. Less!
Dr. Less: Ach! You again! Vat
is it dis time?
Mayor: It’s everything!
Citizens are after me, the County Commission
is on my back, and some jerk writing for a weekly newspaper likes
nothing better than to take shots at me.
Dr. Less: Who is dis writer?
Mayor: Van something or other.
Dr. Less: Von? Ach, fine
sounding name.
Mayor: I think he’s Dutch.
It’s “Van,” not “Von.”
Dr. Less: Dutch, German,
vhatever. Now, Herr
Bürgermeister,
der is vun more operation ve can perform.
Mayor: Oh, no, you’re not
whittling me down me any further.
Dr. Less: It is dat or
terminal ouster disease. I give you maybe six months.
Mayor: OK, OK. Anything but
that! What’s the operation?
Dr. Less: Ve must amputate
arms.
Mayor: Arms! I can’t live
without arms!
Dr. Less: Not to vorry. I fit
you vit vonderful prosthetics. Nurse!
Mayor: Heil?
(six months later)
Dr. Less: Vell, Herr
Bürgermeister,
looks like der operation vas a success!
Mayor: Maybe. But I’m
resigning anyway.
Dr. Less: Vat is dis?
Resigning?
Mayor: (sigh) Without my
werner, my finch and especially my arms, I’m just not having any
fun.
Dr. Less: Ve did all ve could.
Please remit der balance due on your vay out. No p-cards.
Mayor: Heil.
(The mayor skulks out.)
Nurse: Your next patient is
here, Dr. Less. A Mr. Van de Vate. Suffering from depression.
Dr. Less: Von de Vate?
Nurse: Van de Vate. I think
he’s Dutch.
Dr. Less: Dutch, German,
vhatever. Send him in!
Write to Larry
Van Guilder at lvgknox@mindspring.com, or call 293-2179.
You can read Larry’s blog at
http://tabloidboy.squarespace.com/blog/.